Hanukkah of Giving

We are fortunate to celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas in our home.  With a young child, though, it is sometimes a challenge to teach the miracles and spirit of the season with not just one - but two - holidays.  Last year, when my son was five-years-old, I really wanted to find a new way of celebrating Hanukkah so that it wouldn't seem like the "little sister" to sometimes-overwhelming Christmas.   We started a new tradition last year, Hanukkah of Giving, that I am excited to continue this year (especially since this is an overlapping holiday year)!


This post below was written last year for a parenting website that I contribute to periodically.   It is a good recap of our first Hanukkah of Giving...and it makes me smile (for those of you keeping track of my 17-47 muscles...ha!)


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Each year, we try to find ways to differentiate Hanukkah from the somewhat overwhelming nature of Christmas…a way to make Hanukkah have a special significance for Bennett.  Now that he is five-years-old, it seemed like the best time to really emphasize the importance of giving back and to have him be actively involved in the process.  

Bennett and I had a talk over dinner one night about the reasons why Lee and I feel so strongly about helping those around us, as well as the ways that we can give to others…through our time, talents, and treasure.   I asked Bennett to come up with eight ways that he could give back to his family, friends, or those less fortunate - one way for each day of Hanukkah.  And, his Hanukkah of Giving began:

Day 1 - Giving to those less fortunate:

Bennett and I worked together to clean out his closet.  We filled two bags of clothes to give to the Salvation Army and also cleaned out toys and books from the playroom (also a handy way to prepare for the onslaught of Hanukkah and Christmas toys about to arrive…ha!)   Bennett helped pack everything up for the truck that came to pick up all the items.  He was a bit sad to miss the pick-up, though, when he was at school.  Next time, we will plan to deliver the items ourselves to the warehouse or even to the Keller Community Storehouse. 

Day 2 – Giving time to a special friend:

Friendship takes time.  I am continuously reminded as an adult that being a good friend takes time - time to get to know a person; time to be there when they need you; time to nurture a friendship when miles separate you from the ease of daily interaction; and time to celebrate life’s precious moments.   And, time is a gift.  So, when Bennett first said that he wanted to “give” time to his best friend, Max, I agreed.  It also meant that I could have some much-needed time with Max’s mom, who I hadn’t seen in a couple of weeks.  Bennett shared a special Hanukkah treat with Max and his sister, Kate, and the moms enjoyed some visiting time.  In the car on the way home, though, Bennett offered some good advice all on his own, “Mom, you have to be a good friend to keep a good friend.”  Yes, Bennett, you do.  Thanks for the reminder!

Day 3 – Sharing your talent with someone special:

There are two special ladies in our lives: one who hasn’t been feeling well for quite a while, and another amazing woman who is nearing her 98th birthday.   Bennett (unlike his mother) isn’t a big telephone talker, but he can color a mean picture!   So, for Day 3, he shared his coloring talent for these two special ladies and mailed off pictures to brighten their day.   

Day 4 – Give time to your family:

My mom has to work one weekend each month when she is the manager-on-duty for the retirement “city” where she works.  This happened to be her weekend to work.  Bennett isn’t a big fan of visiting my mom’s office.  He’s a sometimes-shy child and being around lots of elderly people who want to talk to and hug on him, pushes all his buttons!  It was his idea to go and have lunch with Joycie at work and he made an effort to smile and talk to the elderly people who he saw.  (Glad to know that the “talk” we had during the 30-minute car ride was remembered once we went inside…ha!)

Day 5 - Giving to those less fortunate:

We adopted three “angels” this year for the holiday season.  Bennett selected three boys, all age five, and we headed off to Target together to shop for clothes and toys to help make their Christmas a bit brighter.  He really got into it and selected toys and clothes that he thought looked fun.  We had a couple of “can I get one for me?” and “where’s mine?” moments as would be expected from a five-year-old, but it offered up an opportunity to remind Bennett of the blessings he has in his life.   On our way to the checkout counter, Bennett asked if we could buy one more thing for each child.  “I think we should buy each boy a coat, Mom.  It gets really cold in the winter.”   I was really proud of him for doing more than the expected and coming up with that on his own. 

Day 6 – Share Hanukkah with someone new:

A few weeks ago, Bennett asked if we could plan a Hanukkah party for his friends at school and today was the day!  We picked out a special menorah to take to the class, as well as chocolate gelt and mini-dreidels for each child in the class.  Lee took some time off work to come along and tell the story of Hanukkah before we read a cute story about latkes.  We had a great time with Bennett’s classmates, who already knew quite a bit about the holiday!  We even feasted on latkes, applesauce, and doughnuts…the traditional foods of Hanukkah.  Bennett had a great time sharing this holiday with his school friends! 

Day 7 - Giving to those less fortunate:

The Salvation Army red kettles are such a simple way to give back and the funds that these kettles raise is really used in such important ways!   We visited two local red kettles so that Bennett could empty all the change from my car into one, and money from his piggy bank into another.   We also made a stop at a local store to drop-off items for Toys-For-Tots.  (A little “perk” we discovered…if you take unwrapped, new toys to Yogurtland to dropoff for Toys-For-Tots, you get a cup of free yogurt!  Bennett was ALL about that!)

Day 8 – Give time to your family:

I’m not sure if any five-year-old is excited about doing chores at home, but Bennett wanted to conclude his Hanukkah of Giving by helping cleanup the toy cabinets in our family room.  (They’ve become a bit unmanageable in the past couple of months!)  His exact words were:  “Mom, let’s clean up these cabinets.  It will make Dad really happy.”  VERY true, Bennett!   Happy Hanukkah, Lee!

Our first “Bennett’s Hanukkah of Giving” was a big success!   Each morning, he was as excited about his giving project for that day as he was about finding out which new hiding place his Elf-On-The-Shelf was in.   Exactly what I was hoping for!    We’re wrapping it up tonight by making a little scrapbook of the 8 days.  Bennett took pictures during the week so that he could remember his projects. 

The goal all along was to find a way for him to be as excited about Hanukkah as he was about Christmas.   And we succeeded!  What I didn’t expect, though, would be that teaching my child an important life lesson actually turned him into my own teacher, once again.  Through his enthusiasm and generosity, I was reminded of the simple joy of giving and how easy it really can be.  Not only do those less fortunate deserve the time and treasure that we can give, but the wonderful people in our lives each day – our family and friends – deserve our time and talents, too.  Not only at the holiday season, but throughout the year. 

Bennett’s Hanukkah of Giving will continue next year.  Can’t wait to see what his eight projects will be!

An Expectant Mother's Dreams

As an expectant-mother, I used to daydream about experiences I wanted to share with my son at various times of his life.  I planned out his first Halloween in great detail, down to the cowboy and spider costume changes, spooky front-porch decorations while we handed out candy, even background music.  None of it went according to plan.  The reality was that he (being only 2 months old) slept through his entire “first Halloween” experience. 

While pregnant, I dreamed about his first day of preschool, envisioning myself crying while holding a linen handkerchief that I’d then preserve in my son’s memory book, while my precious 2-year-old smiled happily and waved cheerfully while looking back (ever so slightly) as he skipped into the class holding his teacher’s hand.  Again, none of that went according to plan.   The reality was that my son screamed in the car all the way to school, proceeded to hold onto his car seat and scream at the top of his lungs when I tried to take him inside, and then cried so hard when I tried to leave, that the teacher asked me to stay for a couple of hours…which continued for the next 5 weeks!  (My only happy memory of these agonizing morning drop-off times is the friend who sent me an email during those weeks and said, “I’d cry too if I had to be away from you for so long!”  Very sweet and never forgotten.)

While pregnant, I dreamed about my son’s first visit with Santa.  I’ve tried every year since he was two….and I will try again this year now that he’s six.  We get a bit closer to the actual Santa each year.  When he was two, he stayed in his stroller on the second floor of the mall, looking down at Santa’s Enchanted Village on the first floor.  When he was three, we actually made it to the first floor, but were still inside the glass elevator.  When he was four, he stood at the back of the Santa line, until a baby started crying and he got spooked.  Last year, five-years-old, we were fortunate enough to happen upon a Santa where there was no line!  My son watched his two other friends happily pose for photos and give their lists to the jolly old man in red.  Son took the whole scene in, studying everything so carefully that I could almost read his mind.  But, when it came time for his turn, he wasn’t having any part of it.  He sprinted out of there so fast that for a moment I thought I had given birth to the next Carl Lewis.   I think this year may be my last attempt.  I’m willing to use cold, hard cash as bribery.   (I’m running out of Santa time, if you know what I mean.)

While pregnant, I dreamed of taking my son to New York City.  It’s always been one of my favorite places.  The sights of people hurrying about, the sounds of the cars and the subway, the smell of slightly burnt street food…I love it!   Every season of the year, my old favorite places, trying someplace new….I love it!   The theater, the dining, the culture….I love it!  New York will always have a piece of my heart and I’ve been waiting to share it with my son.    And, now, it is finally time.  Tomorrow is the day!  Taking Son to NYC for 4 days and some memorable experiences.  He has new clothes for the trip that I have carefully planned out.  We have dinner reservations where Son can enjoy his favorite foods, while foodie Husband and I don’t have to miss out on our NYC fine dining.  We’ve got tickets and excursions planned that would make any first-timer jealous.    And, we’re staying in one of my favorite hotels in a great room with an even better view!

Now, you might ask: based on the way I’ve “dreamed” in the past, am I nervous that this very-carefully-planned-out trip might not go exactly according to plan?   I’m not worried at all.   I KNOW that it won’t go according to plan!   And, the good news is that I don’t care!

If I’ve learned anything in the last six years of parenting, it is to identify the one really important aspect of the “dream” and hold onto it.  It’s going to be a great trip, full of surprises and excitement.   And I know that the most important part will happen at exactly the right time.  It may be in the middle of Central Park (when my husband refuses to do the carriage ride), or at the top of Rockefeller Center (when my son refuses to pose for a photo), or in the back of a taxi stuck in traffic (and also smelling like cigarette smoke mixed with sauerkraut) but it WILL happen.   And it will look something like this moment from my pregnant-dream of long ago: 

Son will have a look of absolute-wonder-and-enchantment on his sweet face (with perfectly combed hair and no leftover lunch on his face).  He’ll look at me with wide-eyes and say, “Mom, this is the greatest city in the world.”  And he’ll absolutely mean it.  And my heart will melt.

And, that makes me smile.

Lessons in Friendship

It’s been a tough month for friendship in my house.    I’ve had to make apologies to three different friends this month for mistakes I’ve made and hurts I’ve caused.  I had one friend hang up the phone on me in complete exasperation for my actions.  I had another friend call me out on behavior that she found hurtful.   I’ve had to let go of a friendship that was once special but is now not a friendship at all.   But through all of those experiences, I was reminded that while friendships can stand the tests of time and distance, life is precious and can change in an instant. 

My sweet college friend ran out of time in her battle against pancreatic cancer this month.  She passed away at age 37, leaving a loving husband, two young children, and many family and friends missing her smile, encouragement, and touch on the world.   A former classmate and friend died tragically last week, just eighteen months after her husband passed away from cancer.  Her five children’s lives have been drastically altered.   I will miss telling these friends how they made a difference in my life.

Even in their loss, though, they reminded me of important lessons:  to remember that each day is a blessing and to not take one minute of it for granted; to celebrate the small stuff; to hug my son more often; to make a difference in someone’s life; and to be more thankful.

Friendship takes work and care, like a plant that has to be nurtured. I’ll be the first to admit that in the chaos of my daily life, I sometimes move friend-time down on the priority list, and this month, some of those relationships suffered.  I’ve apologized to those who I hurt in this way, and because they ARE such good friends, I know we’ll move forward and continue to have more high moments in our friendships than we have low moments. 

My friend Camie reminded me that while friendship is a gift, some gifts are worth returning if they don’t have any value.  True friendships are not one-sided.  They have people on both sides willing to grow through the good and the bad.  And when a friendship makes you feel bad, more than it makes you feel good, it’s okay to let it go.  It doesn’t make you a “quitter” or a bad person.  It just means that you can’t be your best person if someone continues to make you less than your best.

I’m thankful for the people in my life who put in the time and effort to nurture friendships with me.   I’m thankful for the friends who are there for my good days AND my bad days.  And I’m glad that I can say “I’m sorry” when I’m wrong and know that I have friends who can do the same.   Each one of these relationships is special in their own way and makes a difference in my life.   

I use my 17 smiling muscles much more than I use my 47 frowning muscles in my friendships.  And knowing that I have two more people watching over me and continuing to impact me makes me smile too.

My Nemesis...the Calendar!

Ah…the calendar.  My nemesis.  There aren’t enough hours in the day for all that I need or want to accomplish. 

Scheduling and prioritizing is a daily struggle for me.  Trying to find enough time to take care of my home, spend quality time with my family, nurture friendships, volunteer at school, give to my charitable projects, and still take time for myself is always a work in progress.   And, I only have 1 child!  I have no idea how my friends with multiple children do it!

The amazing and talented Sarah Jessica Parker (frequently referred to in my world simply as SJP) recently starred in the movie “I don’t Know How She Does It”.  But, I can’t tell you how SHE does it, because I didn’t have time to see it!

And, when my inability to prioritize lets down people I care about…well, that is not a good feeling.    Earlier this year, I wrote about asking the question “will this matter in five years?”  I have now posted that question in two different places to give me a gentle reminder that some of the extra attention that I give to menial things doesn’t really matter in the big scheme of things.   And, while saying “no” has never been an easy thing for me to do, I’m learning how to do it tactfully and after careful consideration of how I’m prioritizing my time.    (Thankfully, I have a couple of good friends who actually encourage me regularly to use the word “no” more often…ha!)

Today, I’m smiling in honor of the friends who understood when I had to say “no”!  Thanks to KF and MAJ, I was able to accomplish a great deal on my priority list!   And thanks to GM for the extra help when my well-planned schedule took an unexpected turn!